I'll give you something to cry about, you little bitch

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. – Psalm 137:9

At the end of a long day, what man hasn’t come home to a screaming baby or whiny first grader bitching and moaning about his perfect, job-free life and thought to himself, I am going to dash this little fucker against some stones. No one? Well, God did. God thought it a lot. Since God’s only direct descendent (that I know of) was Jesus, it makes you wonder what kind of relationship the two had. God makes it pretty clear throughout the Old and New Testament that kids need to be put in their place.

He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. – Exodus 21:17

If anyone had said to God, “Hey Buddy, I think we need to put some laws in Leviticus saying parents shouldn’t spank their kids.” I’m thinking that guy would have been turned into a pillar of salt on the spot (if he was lucky). Sure, there’s a lot of evidence out there that spanking your kids doesn’t curb their bad behavior and may in fact enhance it, and it’s especially true that throwing your kids against stones or flat out putting them to death isn’t going to help anybody, but God doesn’t give a shit about scientific studies or research. He’s God after all. God cares about one thing and that’s fucking up your kids for back-talking you.

Moments later, little Suzie was put to death and then spent an eternity suffering in Hell

But all these Biblical snippets aside, the story that stands out the most takes place in 2 Kings 2. The chapter focuses on Elisha, the attendant and disciple of Elijah and a prophet of the Northern Kingdom of Israel. One day, Elisha is walking around Bethel, when some dirty, no good punk kids start making fun of him because he’s bald.

And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. – 2 Kings 2:23

Go up thou bald head! And you were lousy in Urban Cowboy too!

What kid hasn’t taunted the neighborhood bald man? If he was one of God’s prophets, you would have regretted it. You see, God doesn’t act rationally to taunts. So, when he finds out some stupid kids from Bethel were going around making fun of one of his prophets, God went all apeshit on them. He doesn’t just regular smite them. No, he shebear-smites them.

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. – 2 Kings 2:24

"Ok, I'll maul the first forty kids, you get the other two"

In conclusion, God hates loves kids.

"I'm so drunk, I hardly recognize you"

And so the story goes…

Lot’s story begins in the Biblical town of Sodom, which unless you’ve been raised beneath a rock, you probably already know that Sodom rivals Mos Eisley in the scum and villainy department. Apparently, everybody in the entire city of Sodom with the exception of Lot, his wife, and his daughters is a blood thirsty rapist. But as we will come to see, Lot isn’t a huge step up.

The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city. When he saw them, he got up to meet them and bowed down with his face to the ground. “My lords,” he said, “please turn aside to your servant’s house. You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go on your way early in the morning.” ~ Genesis 19:1-2

Lot is visited by two angels sent by God. Now, apparently these angels are hot, because it isn’t long before every single male member of the city is surrounding Lot’s house.

Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. They called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.” ~ Genesis 19:4-5

"Our only sin is wanting to bone a couple angels"

Now, Lot (being the righteous man that he is) doesn’t want to give up these two angels to an angry mob of rapists. He decides his only logical choice is to offer up his two virgin daughters in place of the angels:

Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them.

Do what you like with my daughters! That’s a phrase every decent, law-abiding, honorable father has said at least a few times during his parenthood.

Despite Lot’s generous offer to rape his virgin daughters, the angry mob really, really wants to get their collective freak on with those two angels. Sensing imminent danger, the two angels grab Lot, yank him back into his house, and tell him to get the fuck out of dodge, because

…we are going to destroy this place ~ Genesis 19:13

Lot grabs his wife, and his two daughters, and they quickly escape before all Hell broke loose in Sodom. As they’re escaping one of the angels tells Lot and his family whatever you do, “Don’t look back.” As Lot flees, the Lord rains down “burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah”. Then, Lot’s retarded wife looks back (what an idiot, they literally just told you not to look back), and the Lord punishes her by turning her into a pillar of salt.

Lesson Learned: God is a dick

Lot and his daughters are too afraid to live in the next city over. So they decide to live in a cave in the mountains. You would too if your last house was burned to the ground by God. Now, it isn’t long, before one of his daughters gets horny and decides that there being no other men around but her dad and that it’s customary for women to have children and all that she better get busy sexing up pops.

Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father. ~ Genesis 19:32

The two wacky girls get down to their shenanigans and sleep with Lot one after the other. And somehow Lot is so incredibly drunk he has no idea he’s having sex with his daughters but he’s still able to get it up. It’s impressive actually now that I think about it.

That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and slept with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I slept with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.” So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

Both girls get knocked up. And then they both have sons, of course. And both sons go on to father two separate nations. All because a couple of crazy and wild girls decided to have a throw with dear old dad back in the cave.

So to summarize the Story of Lot:

1. Two Angels visit Lot at his house in Sodom
2. An angry mob tries to rape the angels
3. Lot offers up his virgin daughters to the rapists
4. God gets so angry at the mob of rapists he smites the city
5. Lot flees with his family, but his stupid wife becomes msg
6. Lot fucks his two daughters

And in conclusion, Lot is a righteous man:

…and if He rescued righteous Lot, oppressed by the sensual conduct of unprincipled men